Curse of the eldest child?

Disclaimer: This is the extremely long post recording the thoughts of someone who really has no idea what she's talking about. In reading this, you run the risk of extreme boredom, or maybe you'll just think I'm really stupid and you might get mad at my stupidity. It'?s your own fault if you read this.

I don't know. This may be one of my darker, less interesting posts. Its hard to know when I start these things where it's going to go.

There are many advantages and disadvantages to being the first-born. Personally, I can't imagine myself any other way but the oldest in my family, and I'm generally quite happy with this role in the family. I've just been think a lot about this one thing about me which has truly plagued me, in a sense, and I guess it might have something to do with be the oldest.

There is something ingrained very deep within me. It is this desire, no, this need, to protect people. It begins with my siblings, and this isn't all that unusual or surprising. It's how it should be. I love my brothers and my sister(s?) so much. They probably have no idea because, in the past, I really haven't shown them how much I care. I've tried to be better about that. I honestly think that I would do just about anything for them.

There may be something wrong with the fact that I've thought so deeply about this, but I've considered what circumstances could lead me to committing murder. I believe that we are all capable of murder, but for some of us it would take massive provocation, but not so much for others. Maybe I'm even making a mistake posting this, but oh well. Seriously though, I mean, I'm a pretty passionate person. It doesn't take a whole lot for me to deeply dislike a person, and although it is difficult to get on the list of people I truly hate, I do have a short one. However, I have a painfully deep sensitivity to life, animal, human, whatever. Just seeing road kill can bother me. Imagine what dead people do to my emotions. This may come from my close contact with the war. I guess it doesn't really matter. The point is, I don't like seeing dead people, and I can scarcely imagine physically killing someone.

All this to say, that in my contemplation, I realized that the only thing that could make me so angry that I could actually commit murder, would be if someone were to intentionally and maliciously hurt one of my siblings. I have a vivid imagination, and when I think about what I would be thinking and feeling if someone did something like that to my siblings, my potential reaction and retaliation scares me.

As I said, this may all be completely normal, but I've found that this extends far outside my family. I would say that it carries over into my close friends next. I would do anything to protect my friends. I don't want them to get hurt or make mistakes. Maybe in some ways I feel like I've seen more and experienced more than most of them. In a sense I have, but mostly I guess my experiences are just different.

I've been through some extremely desolate and painful times lately though, and I know that everyone has these and everyone has to have these to grow, but I wish they didn't, and I wish I could save them all from it. It's not my job. I know it's wrong and conceited to think I ever could. In fact, this particular flaw in my nature has led to some very serious conflict in some of my relationships. I find myself sticking, not only my nose, but my whole face and body in where it never should go.

I just don't know what to do with it. I mean, I get this overprotectedness with people I just meet, if I feel that they are vulnerable or need someone to look after them. It just kills me when I see people, especially my friends or my siblings, screwing up. It's even worse when I see them doing things that I've done, or worse than that, things that I'm doing.

I hate that a lot of times I don't know what to say. I don't know if I should say anything, and so many times I say the wrong things. I put myself where I'm not wanted and where I don't belong. This leaves me feeling helpless and very lost. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I had children. I don't think I could take this going any deeper than it already has.

Honestly, the more I think about this, the more it hurts. We're talking that physical pain, deep in your chest. It's kind of like when you've just said good-bye to your best friend and you don't know when you'll see them again. It's that kind of pain, just with different cause, obviously. The worst part is that I don't see how it could ever go away. I know that the right thing to do is to pray about it, and I do, but I'm still not at peace about. How can I ever be when I will never have the ability or the right to protect even one person?

Sorry if this was too much information. I considered not posting this, but it's not that big of a deal. It's no big secret that I love my family and my friends.